Cost of living in Uruguay

As we are settling into life in our new country, we are getting a better sense of the ongoing costs associated with living here. Because we were smart and lucky enough to have saved enough money to buy our land, home and vehicle outright, we do not have ongoing costs associated with paying the debt of those things (like a mortgage, car payment, etc.).

Here are some of the ongoing costs we have found associated with living in Uruguay:

- Energy. Because we bought a solar water heater we got government subsidy on our electricity bill, so our bill is around $30 monthly. Once the subsidy runs our (after 2 years) we will be paying more like $50 monthly. We also use propane for our oven/stove which runs us about $10 monthly. Total energy costs are therefore about $40 monthly or $480 annually

- Our ongoing car costs include monthly gas (for vehicles and lawn mowers) at about $200 monthly, and annual insurance and registration fees for our scooter and car at about $1,200. So, total transport we will say is around $300 monthly or $3,600 annually

- We have a very savvy accountant who has set us up to pay social security, property taxes combined with health insurance from a very fancy local private health network for our whole family for $150 monthly or $1,800 annually

- Although we are attempting to build up the infrastructure to produce more of our own food, the truth is now we buy most of what we eat. Our ongoing food costs are probably in the range of about $500 monthly or $6,000 annually for our family of four

- Let's just have another category of incidentals. Home supplies, replacing or fixing things, etc. at an average monthly cost of another $100 monthly or $1,200 annually

Some people say it is expensive to live in Uruguay. Our ongoing expenses for a family of four are:
-$1,100 monthly or
- $13,000 annually

The way we see it, the big cost savings versus our life in the U.S. are health care and education, as well as a small enough housing cost so as to not have to take on debt and pay monthly mortgage and interest to a bank. We get high quality meat and produce for cheaper here, but processed foods and consumer goods (TVs, electronics, home goods) are much more expensive. It seems to me the stuff that matters (health, education, housing, food) cost way less (at least in the rural areas) and the things that don't matter (consumer and processed crap) cost more. It kind of forces a shift in priorities.

Hope and fear, or a post about laundry!

My lovely, intelligent brother in law Colin sent me a video the other day of Bret Weinstein (of Evergreen College fame) talking at something called a Virtual Futures conference. In that talk, Bret conjectures about a healthy mental state in facing the world we currently live in and the myriad crises we face.

Bret suggests we can neither live in an entire state of hope, thinking someone else will fix the problems, nor fear, unable to move or act due to the immensity of the problem. I tend to agree, and think since we cannot live in one mental state alone we would be best served to oscillate between informing ourselves about the state of the world and how the crises are unfolding and engaging in small, meaningful, human-level solutions to the everyday problems we face in the world.

I'll give you an example. Today, I watched an episode of the Handmaid's Tale. It's a novel I loved and a show I've been meaning to watch for years. During the show, I feel just dread and fear. I feel some sort of responsibility to watch it, because it draws so heavily on authoritarian regimes that have actually existed in history. It is like a show that is a lesson in what is possible, and how to think through the playing out of potential social crisis in the future. In this moment, I feel I am fully informing myself, and fully experiencing the dread and fear about the state of the world. In this way, I am confronting and naming the issues, learning about them, and not pretending they don't exist through some misplaced optimism.

But then what? Then, instead of living in dread, I go back to solving the problems of my daily life. One of those problems, here in Uruguay, is getting laundry clean. Yes, it's mundane, but so are all of your lives. These problems make up our days and these days make up our lives. I couldn't get my towels white enough just with bleach, and they were getting more and more grey looking, and less inviting to use on my clean post-shower body.

This had been bothering me, so I looked up the cleaner I've been told works wonders (by real people, not just the infomercial) Oxiclean. I know I can't get this product here, and also I am always looking for more healthy/less chemical alternatives for cleaning. I found that in oxiclean is an ingredient called sodium percarbonate, which is a mix between hydrogen peroxide and washing soda. I immediately called the pharmacy to get a big order of peroxide, but washing soda is not something you can get here. I then found that you can turn baking soda into washing soda by baking it in the oven at 400 degrees for an hour, which makes it more basic/alkaline and helps to clean with more force, naturally.

So, I ordered two big bags of baking soda along with the peroxide. They came in two days later, I baked the baking soda and in my little science experiment I turned NaHCO3 to Na2CO3. I mixed up a little formula of water, peroxide and washing soda in a bucket and left my towels to soak. Then, I washed them in the machine with a little soap and also peroxide and washing soda. Voila!!! They came out bright and white. A real accomplishment. The work results in the feeling of nice, clean, bright, white towels. I had a presented problem, I found a solution I liked and could do, and I fixed the problem.

Overall, this is my life, and this is the life I have chosen to live. It is not easy starting from scratch and re-making all the solutions to all the problems of everyday life. But, these little surmountable challenges bring meaning to my life, as little challenges do for all people. And with each new challenge and new solution I feel less overall dread and despair, and more confidence and ability. It is in the mundane that the future is made. It is in all these little decisions we make. How we wash our clothes, raise our kids, spend our days, who we spend our time with, what we eat. There is so much work to be done tweaking each little part of our lives, little by little, to improve them and thereby make the world a little teeny tiny bit better. This is the work we have before us. Join me.

This is America, or a review of Spike Lee's BlackkKlansman

 I just got home from going to the theater, something I love to do but unfortunately rarely am able to do in rural Uruguay. I saw Spike Lee's BlackkKlansman, the story of the 70's infiltration of the KKK and, ultimately as in most of Lee's films, an essay on race and inequality in America.

A number of sharp critiques of American culture have surfaced in the media recently. I am thinking of Childish Gabino's This is America:

Or Sasha Baron Cohen's Who is America:

Alongside Lee's film and many others. To me, the message is clear: America is full of hate, and it has been that way since its inception. This isn't news to me or anyone who has studied classics of America cultural history like Morris Berman's Dark Ages America or recent follow up Why America Failed which argues that American culture has been hyper individualistic, competitive, and money-loving from the very beginning. The current iteration of America (and president) that seems to be so shocking to many is actually part of a trajectory that's long been set forth.

Although this is not a popular message, this explanation is widely accepted by cultural historians and sociologists. You could point me to acts of good and kindness, and of course no one would ever argue that a country of 320 million is all one thing. But, study after study and work after work of art demonstrate that, overall, Americans tend to think in black and white terms, and often in terms of good guys and bad guys, friends and enemies, people to love and people to hate. This manichean ideology leads to things like Charlosttesville, where a man drove a car into a crowd of people he didn't know, but hated.

Lee's film ended with that footage, and it is both haunting and beautiful that America's best artists are waking up to American culture and its fundamental maladies. My best hope is in facing those maladies, naming them, and spending every day of our lives realizing something different.

What does that mean for me? It means I don't have any enemies, just people who don't understand me well and whom I need to understand better. It means I will think of community before myself. It means money won't be my sole driver in life. It means I will cooperate and find ways to benefit myself and the (human and nonhuman) world, not compete with it.

The art of discussion

To discuss: talk or write about (a topic) in detail, taking into account different ideas and opinions.

Lately I have been engaging with some of the ideas of the intellectual dark web. Although I don't agree with all of what all the members are arguing, I do agree with one premise that seems to be the only thing the group has in common: it is of the absolute utmost importance (both personally and socially) to cultivate the skill to discuss with others. There a couple of components to this I'd like to get in writing, because they seem to be at the core of so many of the struggles I've seen in relationships and society lately.

The first is something I've mentioned before and then censored. I will put it more obscurely here: discussion, or ongoing talking, negotiating, compromising, empathizing, is absolutely essential for any healthy relationship (or any relationship that is more than the empty shell of superficiality). Erich Fromm (who wrote the best book ever written on love) describes a cultural phenomenon that I have experienced in droves lately:

One other frequent error must be mentioned here. The illusion, namely, that love means necessarily the absence of conflict...the 'conflicts' of most people are actually attempts to avoid the real conflicts. They are disagreements on minor or superficial matters which by their very nature do not lend themselves to clarification or solution. Real conflicts between two people, those which do not serve to cover up or project, but which are experienced at the deep level of inner reality to which they belong, are not destructive. They lead to clarification, they produce a catharsis from which both persons emerge with more knowledge and more strength.

Discussion is basically ongoing conflict. It is evolution. It is growth. If we accept as a premise that (according to the dictionary) discussion is talking about a topic in detail, taking into account different ideas and opinions, then discussion is, according to Fromm, a necessary part of any relationship. Two people are never exactly the same, even husband and wife or mother and child, and discussion is the negotiation of differences to find peaceful resolution using empathy, understanding, and putting aside one's ego.

In my personal experience lately, I have not been given the opportunity to discuss contentious issues in certain relationships. Grown adults have repeatedly refused to speak with me in person or on the phone, resorting to avoidance or only allowing text-based conversations. Being robbed of a voice, just simply not being invited to discuss, is akin to the death of that relationship. If there is no space for discussion, if it is either overtly or covertly banned (through social norms), or if one partner in a relationship is not invited to discuss, that relationship is an empty, superficial shell. Or worse, if people don't discuss they are robbed of the chance for empathy toward one another, and the relationship becomes entirely antagonistic. According to many members of in intellectual dark web, this basic fact is driving the tribalistic tendencies that is dividing our society into ever sharper and more brutal opposition to one another. This lack of discussion is dangerous, because it is the kind of behavior that leads to genocides (this is not hyperbole).

Now, what is happening in a few of my personal relationships is the worst case scenario when discussion is not valued. These relationships might be a lost cause, unless there were a total reversal in behavior. But, let's say, we have two people who do want to at least talk to one another, but are not practiced in the art of discussion. The second point I want to make is that discussion is an art and a skill. It is not something you just decide to do when you are feeling particularly magnanimous. It is something you must work on repeatedly to get good at it. And I want to be clear: I think discussion is essential not just for close, personal relationships, but for all relationships from spouse, children to co-workers to neighbors.

Some members of the intellectual dark web, like Jordan Peterson, make the claim that we have for the better part of a century been modeled a form of 'discussion' on media with low bandwidth, how to make points very quickly (the 30 second sound byte), and to 'win' the discussion as efficiently as possible.  This is more akin to a high school debate, or even more limited than one in the usual time each point is given (imagine panels on CNN with 15 contributors all trying to speak the loudest). What kind of lesson are we learning from this kind of 'discussion?' We are learning to speak as superficially as possible and to 'win' at all costs. We are learning how to get the best quip, earning the 'gotcha' moment or 'destroying' our opponent (as the titles of so many YouTube clips demonstrate).

In an ideal discussion there is no winner or loser, both parties win by becoming closer, growing in understanding, and feeling the efficacy of having overcome the very difficult problem of attempting to understand another human being, of connecting across differences. One thing that is a common social norm in my family of origin (my parents and siblings) is that my family attempts to see others' point of view to a fault. I often see my family (myself included) giving up some (often too much) ground when we have been wronged, just because we are attempting to see the humanity in others and show our humanity and our ultimate desire for resolution. This happens when only one side of the relationship is actually engaging in discussion and the other is engaging in debate and trying to win. One person walks away feeling like they've won, the other person (showing their humanity) has been taken advantage of. When both parties aren't engaged in true discussion, the truth is they both lose.

So, now let's take the ideal example of someone who is engaging you in what they think is a discussion. They are speaking with you in detail, and it is on differing opinions. I think it needs to go beyond this dictionary definition of an exchanging of points. It has to have two further components to be successful: 1. Each person has to actually listen to the other person's points and fully consider them as if they could be true and 2. Each person has to be able to make mistakes and stumble through their own ideas through the act of discussion, and they need to be allowed to evolve during the course of the conversation.

This is the kind of model of discussion I got in the college classroom at the University of Chicago. A topic was introduced and the instructor and the students simply talked about it. We all learned through talking, and we all gave one another the respect of considering if the other person's ideas/argument had something to teach us or could shed light on our own thoughts somehow.

So, what does this mean for me personally? A couple of things. First, I have been practicing the art of discussion in my daily life. In my relationship with Patrick it is something I've been inadvertently practicing for years, but am doing more explicitly now. I am also practicing it with my kids, friends and neighbors. I am learning to listen without just filling my mind with the next point I want to make.

I am learning that talking for a long time, all the time, is the only way for deep relationships to grow. The ideal discussion involves talking over the course of hours, not only giving a topic a few minutes of your time. I am learning to negotiate and compromise and to accept all points, intellectual alongside emotional and spiritual, as valid points from which to enter into a discussion. That is, if someone comes to me irrationally scared or mad or sad, it is ok that their emotion is the main consideration, even if it is irrational. It is ok to discuss emotions, not just debate intellectual points. And, I am attempting to simply lead by example by discussing more with others.

I am talking a lot (big surprise), and I know engaging people in discussion is annoying them to some extent because it is hard to work to engage in discussion and to be emotionally and intellectually present. I know many people would rather engage in superficial talk that is actually building antagonistic relationships. I know bringing up difficulties is a buzzkill for someone looking to relax, physically and intellectually. I know people would rather take the lazy route of repeating sound bytes they've heard instead of engaging one another. But I'll be damned if I give into that way of communication that is currently destroying our world and has the ability to do a lot more harm if left status quo (there is no space to detail this here, but if you start looking at podcasts with members of the intellectual dark web you'll see plenty of evidence from people across the political spectrum).

So, if you see me, get ready for a discussion.

I'm enough.

Very powerful message.

1. Have the courage to be imperfect
2. Embrace vulnerability

Lead to a strong sense of love and belonging.

"Because when we work from a place, I believe, that says, "I'm enough" ... then we stop screaming and start listening, we're kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves."

Working on all of these pieces of advice today.

Vicious cycles and virtuous cycles

As I get older, I tend to think less and less in dualistic categories like good and bad, but on a spectrum from bad to good. I don't think as much in black and white, but in grey, embracing the complexity and paradox of life. I have also recently been thinking in terms of the movements of life as cycles. Sometimes I get this cascading effect of a vicious cycle wherein one bad thing contributes to another and another and things get worse and worse. Other times in my life, I feel like I am in a virtuous cycle wherein one good thing just leads to another and another. I feel so grateful that in the present moment, I am in a virtuous cycle.

Leaving North America put me in this virtuous cycle. I am not saying it is entirely because I left North America that I am in this positive space, but as I see personal, political, social, health, economic and many other relations falling apart into sociopathic chaos among family and friends living in North America, I have to wonder if where one lives can either make you happy and healthy or sad, depressed, unhealthy, and pathologically anxious and stressed?

I have studied sociology long enough to be aware of the effects of institutions on individuals. Take, for example, something that always surprises my students, that mental health disorders differ greatly by nation. Depression and anxiety, PTSD, ADHD, autism, eating disorders and others are much more rampant in highly industrialized countries, and the United States has the most mental health disorders on the planet. 1 out of 6 takes a mental health prescription. 7 out of 10 take some daily pharmaceutical! 20% of Americans take at least 5 drugs daily!

The moment Patrick and I made the decision to leave North America, we were facing some pretty serious personal and interpersonal challenges. Having a new baby and a toddler, taking on new jobs, writing a dissertation, struggling with communication with family members, feeling isolated, misunderstood, and hurt, we were struggling with all sorts of stress-related physical illness.  All of that, and to add in the complete and utter chaos of moving a family with two small children across the world with very little sympathy or help. It was the hardest time in my life, but the best decision I have ever made.

The moment we made that choice the vicious cycle started to turn virtuous. Patrick was offered an online job at a prestigious university, we found a place to stay, there was some local discussion about hiring us as English teachers in Uruguay (didn't end up happening). Once we arrived, I could feel the trauma start to dissipate, but it happened very slowly. We were still struggling with the trauma and the difficulty of living in this entirely new place, but as we began to let life unfold (and take daily walks on the beach), we made new friends almost immediately. These friends stopped in for a quick chat and some mate a couple of times weekly, and we began to connect with them.  This is something that was unimaginable for us in the U.S. Isa started school and easily made friends there. She began to get all sorts of invites to birthday parties and we met more parents and they embraced us fully. They were interested in us as immigrants, but did not exoticize us.

I made the decision to work through some of the trauma from my life in North America and address it in order to move past it. That was the hardest thing I have ever done (because of my intense fear of confrontation), but I am so glad I did it because there is no way I would have been able to let go of my resentment unless I came clean about it and addressed it. This added to the virtuous cycle. All of a sudden I felt more confident in my ability to handle difficult psychological and social interpersonal problems, something I was terrified of before.  I stood my ground and owned up to my hurt feelings, and I also learned a lot about other people's thoughts and expectations of me that I would never have learned unless I brought the issue up. And the virtuous cycle continues!

Then, having moved past all of this trauma, I was able to put myself in a mental space to complete my dissertation. In about 3 months I wrote almost an entire book. My creative energy was unleashed when my mind is not taken up by resentment or stress or anxiety! Then, my parenting started to improve. I could see my girls and just be present with them. Giving them my attention when they most need it is the best gift any parent can give their children. And I noticed a difference in the quality of attention I could give. Not a simple smile while I thought of something else or multitasked on my phone, but truly paying attention. Helping Isa build a crown out of cardboard or pushing Vivian on the swing and biting her toes as they reach my face each time, making her giggle endlessly.

Organizing our lives so that we are free from the daily trauma of life in North America, I began to explore other means of self-improvement. I found a diet that has made me not only lose weight, but I feel satiated and stronger and have more mental clarity and less pain. I started looking into different ways to wire my brain to be happier and more present, and I am practicing these new activities daily, and I see a huge difference. I am more present. I am able to enjoy life more. I feel less anxiety about unknown things or difficult things, but see them as something I can handle confidently.

When more issues arise with my family, I am not stressed or considering them anxiously. I do not let them roll around in my head, keeping me up at night. Instead, I notice them from a distance. I view them as a result of a sick society (on various medications). But I am also attempting to move past only this simple, dualistic judgment and see these people's feelings with empathy. I know they are victims themselves. I know they hurt from all sorts of traumas that have happened to them. I see their humanity. And, for most of them, that humanity makes me want to do the work of continuing a relationship. So, I attempt to reach out with my own vulnerability and humanity (instead of with lies or political machinations or gossip or judgments). I have become closer with several family members than I have in years, and for that I am so grateful. And the virtuous cycle continues.

The best part of all of this virtuous cycle we are experiencing is improved social relations, both here in Uruguay and with the people in North America that are worth our time and attention. Seeing others with empathy and letting go of resentment has allowed us to experience a new level of closeness with people in North America with whom we once felt alienated. We are building up our relationships slowly and carefully. Each contact a step in the direction of love.

Here in Uruguay social relations are even easier. We are invited to several social engagements weekly with other young families locally. And about monthly we get to see our expat friends. We have been lucky enough to fall into a social group of artists and artisans, yogis, authors, musicians, microbrewers. Overall our friends here are really lovely, interesting, creative people. And of course I feel anxiety about my (in)ability to speak Spanish and follow everything with our local friends. But each time I try I grow in skill and confidence. And our friends are incredibly helpful and kind in helping me to understand and to learn. The social gatherings are also really lovely and not stressful at all. The kids run around together, the parents all do their part to watch all the children, we share mate and check in with one another. Our kids are already old friends. And I feel we are growing into old friends with the adults too. The process is very organic, and as a sociologist I know the importance of social cohesion. New reports say loneliness is the leading cause of death in the U.S. So, as we build our little community, the virtuous cycle continues.

The social cohesion is something that is virtuous in our kids too. When Isa went for a short time for preschool in North America, she quickly learned that she was not allowed to touch anyone. Not other kids or the teacher. No touch (!!!!) at all. In Uruguay, she gives besitos to every child and teacher every morning when she arrives and every afternoon when she leaves. Touching well is something that is learned in school. She hugs and plays. She sits in the older kids' laps. They hold hands and skip. The older kids pick her up so she can reach. She is learning how to make friends. How to touch nicely. How to be a good community member. How to do her part.

The other day her school went to a retirement home and the kids sat and listened intently to an old woman tell stories about the local area. I am sure it was insanely boring. But they were taught how to respect this woman and her oral history. And the woman I am sure was happy to share. It is these little ways in which implicit lessons about respect, dignity and community seep into her little brain that make me so happy she's not in American classroom sitting still with her hands to herself (where she could one day be prescribed a drug forcing her to sit still). In Uruguay she runs in and out of the classroom as she likes. Until she's 6, she is free to spend her time at school as she wishes. Playing and creating and learning little lessons about how to be a good person. And Vivian has already embodied many of these lessons. When Uruguayans drink mate they drink one sip themselves and then offer it to everyone else. Vivian takes my mate and shares it around the room. She shares all of her food. She is already thinking of others in this very Uruguayan way.

As a result of all the goodness coming out of these virtuous cycles, things are going so well with my marriage. Patrick is exploring so much creatively. He is playing the guitar every day. He and Isa are writing songs together. He designed our house! He is reading so many books. He is transforming our property into a beautiful paradise. Cutting in some places, planting in others. We are both learning so much about all the ecological principles we came here to learn: like how to make food sustainably, how to be a good husband to both animals and the land, and how to handle waste, and how to preserve ecosystems in the process. We are learning together, and having fun, and can spend our days as we wish. We both have work to do for our jobs, but we can decide when to do it, and how to structure our days. What a gift!

I am so grateful to be in this period of virtuous cycles. I am not perfect. I still have moments of sadness or anxiety or frustration. I still feel lonely. I still get nervous about confrontation. I still question myself. I still eat crap sometimes. But, slowly, I am healing. I am growing into a better, healthier person. And I just hope I can keep the virtuous cycle moving in an upward direction, because I can't wait to see how good it can get, if it is already this great.

Little (big) changes in a new place

I am feeling urged to write today about the small ways in which the culture here is changing me. I am thinking of a daily routine that in small doses doesn’t seem like much, but, added together, entirely changes who I am and what I thought I thought. Let me explain.

Each day when I take Isa to school and pick her up, I get out of the car and go in. I greet the other parents and children and teachers each with a kiss and a quick moment of catching up. They ask how I am doing and wait for a response. Usually everyone just says ‘fine, thanks and you,’ but it seems they are actually waiting for an answer and looking you in the eye while asking.

If you described this cultural norm to me before moving here (getting out of the car and greeting everyone every time I picked up or dropped off from school) I would likely be horrified. I am a skeptic, a loner, a misanthrope, and someone who generally hates superficial pleasantries and small talk.

In the U.S. I find small talk unbearable. Partly, I think, because when people ask you how you are doing there it is often so hollow that answering seems like a trap. Like, if I said happy they might say ‘good for you’ sarcastically (since they are likely struggling in some way or another), or if I said I was struggling myself in some way the American response would be thinly veiled schadenfreude combined with fake concern. And the sheer laziness of not getting out of the car to drop your kid off at school. The insane lengths teachers go to let the parents stay in their car. The long pickup lines with elaborate systems that identify which car belongs to which small child.

I used to think I liked the convenience of the car pickup at school. How nice to not have to get out of the car! How easy. And to not have to speak to any of the other parents. A dream! I don’t want their sarcasm or schadenfreude anyway.  I despise small talk. It is all political machinations, even amongst the preschool parents. Who speaks to whom? Who is organizing the next fundraiser with the celebrity chef and the microbrew food trucks? Will there be mason jar glasses for the beer? That’s such a cute idea, Jennifer! I wish I had your touch! Did you hear that Melissa isn’t going? I mean, she didn’t help organize, but she won’t even go to support her daughter’s school? Some people, I mean, are just so, well you know, I am preaching to the choir here.

But here, I am surprising myself by finding I actually want to get out of the car. In fact, I want to ride my damn bike to school. Of course I haven’t done it yet. But I dream of doing something active, which was the furthest thing from my mind up North. I like to see the other parents and the kids and greet them and ask them how they are. It is very subtle the way in which the culture is different. I think if an ethnographer from a third country came to both places and saw parents interact at school they wouldn’t see much difference besides the besito down here in Uruguay. But it’s something about the eyes, and the smiles, and the way in which people are inviting you in without judgment or as a premeditated way to trap you into a social faux pas.

As a result, I am actually changing who I am. What I think. I don’t look at groups of people with disdain and frustration. I look hopefully and I find myself opening myself to them. I want to get involved. I want to invite people over. I want to go to their events. I am much less lazy or entitled in thinking it is a huge inconvenience to get out of the damn car. It is a privilege to get to be a part of this community. To see them and to be seen. To have the time to chit chat for a few moments, and not feel hurried or stressed by it. My schedule is not so jam packed that I have small margins for error. That is a luxury.

Just another small moment in the life of an immigrant, and in the exploration of the ways in which places and social structures can actually change individuals. That is, change is not only in one’s mind, it is also very often due to external forces. I am happy about who I am becoming. I used to be proud of my loner status. But, guess what?, it made me lonely. I am less lonely now, and becoming less lonely by the day. What a gift. 

Happy birthday mama

Today is my mother's birthday. There's this movie Lady Bird that just came out, and it (in a revelatory way) shows the ways in which mothers organize their lives around their children, while trying to maintain a sense of self, and of dignity. When reading about Lady Bird, and in the process of becoming a mother myself, I am growing more and more appreciative of my own mother.

One of the most important insights I've had lately is about the ways in which I didn't experience my mom doing things for me that helped me, or nourished me, or silently supported me. Like, the bagged lunch. It was just made. I never saw her doing it. She never congratulated herself for it. But there it was, in my bag for school, every single day. And as a child, I had the freedom from thinking about that one part of my life. 

There are so many ways in which my mother shaped me, invisibly. How she noticed things I thought I was hiding. Young adult thoughts and emotions that I might have been hiding even from myself. And, like Lady Bird, I pushed her away cruelly. I wanted autonomy, privacy, as teenagers and young adults do. But now, as a young mother, I see it all anew. 

I see what it took for my mom, with very little outside help (her parents didn't live near and my father's parents were not primary caregivers in our lives), to raise three kids. My dad was away from the home one out of every three days (on a firefighter schedule), and on those days she was a single mother. I know on days with only my two kids how much I struggle without Patrick home. When I am putting one child to sleep and I hear a noise outside and I am fearful without another adult to help manage one or more ongoing situations. But she did it. And I remember my early childhood fondly. I felt so secure. She made me feel that way, invisibly.

I was so cared for, and that took so much more work than I knew. I always had dry and clean clothes, something to eat, she was always, always patient. She made us intelligent by paying attention to us, and speaking to us, and engaging with us, always. She was stable and responsible and someone I always knew I could go to when other adults or children let me down. She was reliable. And that added a rosy tint to my childhood. Being so lucky to have a reliable mother means taking her for granted. Because she was always there, you came to expect it. 

When I was back in Chicago I watched my mother spend the better part of a day steaming my sister's bridesmaid gown for a wedding. And I realized in that moment, all the time she has spent doing something for us unnoticed. And all the time I now do the same. And how hard it is to be unnoticed, just to care for your kids. But the reward is worth it.

Just yesterday she sent me this message:

"Cleanse your life and fill it with genuine, interesting people that have your best interest at heart. It is just that simple. If that makes me ridiculous, I'll wear that like a badge of honor. Loving relationships are not a power play. And for goodness sake don't shed a tear or lose any sleep over small minded people, not deserving of a moment of your pain."

There she is again. Reading my emotions before I knew myself what I felt. And taking the time to articulate, and guide me when I most need it.

So, I want to take a day to notice her. To take notice. And for all of you reading to take notice of my mom, and your mom, and yourself as a mom. And all the little ways in which we can choose to build each other up without fanfare or recognition, and how my mom has spent her lifetime doing just that for me and my siblings.

I love you mamas. Happy birthday.