I have been meaning to write a series of explanatory posts about how myself and my family are exploring alternatives to mainstream ways of doing things.
Since today is mother's day, I thought it would be a good day to talk about the way I do parenting.
I am lucky that through a mix of being exposed to certain people and ideas even before becoming a parent, I was able to learn about subjects that greatly improved my parenting.
Two books I read before becoming a parent were Wandering God by Berman (about nomadic tribes) and The Art of Loving by Fromm (a psychoanalytic take on love). Neither of these were explicitly about parenting, but I learned in them the importance of the maternal role in setting up deep attachments that provide a secure base for children.
For instance, Berman showed how prolonged breastfeeding (beyond 3 years) was common for most of human history until people became sedentary with agriculture and had kids closer together, which lead to earlier weaning. Berman argued that this connection to the mother made for a different kind of consciousness, one that felt that the world is generally a secure place. He talked a lot about how modern children use transitional objects (like a teddy) to help ease the pain of early weaning, night time/sleep separation, and lack of overall touch.
Nomadic babies don't use transitional objects, but instead the child is physically near the mom (usually in a baby carrier worn on the mother's body) and uses nursing as a way to connect and calm themselves. This importance of physical connection was echoed in Fromm's book from a psychoanalytic perspective, and then a few years later I read Jared Diamond's book The World Until Yesterday about nomadic tribes and this finding was repeated again and in this article. At this point, I was already convinced theoretically about the importance of holding/wearing the baby, co-sleeping, and breastfeeding until the baby chose to wean (little did I know what that would entail).
Before having Isa I went to La Leche meetings and met some other breastfeeding mothers, and joined facebook groups for breastfeeding help. I had my support network for information, so when I had pain initially, I found out that was common and pushed through. When I had mastitis, I figured out how to treat it. When I was trying to figure out co-sleeping and nursing, I could get tips and tricks to get good sleep and not roll onto the baby.
I always thought I would continue nursing until the baby chose to stop, and I realized that if there are no other issues that means the kid would wean somewhere between 3 and 6. Yikes. Since most of my experience has been seeing mothers only nurse babies under one year, this came as a shock to me, and of course I have felt the judgment of others with my prolonged nursing. But, I remind myself, most of our parenting practices date back only 100 years or so (cribs, formula), and at the most they date back 12,000 years to the agricultural revolution. Our babies bodies are meant to be held, nursed, and this is one of the most important traits to set them up for psychological health. This is what the evidence I read said, and this is what I believe to be true, so I persist, even when it's not so easy and I'd rather just give my kid some cow's milk and have my body back and I'd rather not have to endure those sideways glances when someone sees my 2 year old asking to nurse.
The other information I came across early on (thanks to a fellow grad student friend, Emily) was something called radical unschooling. For me, it is more a stance on child rearing than schooling per se. The idea is that you want to model curiosity, and show your children how to follow their passions in an unstructured way, as opposed to rote memorization and learning to 'behave' in a classroom (read: sit still and be quiet). The upshot of this is to see your child as autonomous, and having of desires that deserve to be respected, while keeping in mind the limitations of anyone's desires.
Here's an example. The kids are in a crazy mood and they start climbing on top of the car. I see the roof is denting in a bit, and I want to yell at them to just get off the car completely, but instead I see what they're doing is just having fun and learning how to climb and use their bodies. This is a good thing to foster. So, I show them how the roof is denting and ask them to climb in a way that does not do damage to the car. I am not looking for them to obey me because I do not make up rules that are arbitrary. I am asking them to respect boundaries that they will experience in their real lives. Parents' rules are often so out of touch with the real boundaries people experience. I try to make sure that I am telling them to do something that has a good reason, and one they will likely encounter in their lives. I ask myself, often: can I say yes to their request? What is at the heart of what they are asking? How I can I foster that in a way that makes me comfortable and feel respected myself?
I see school as a place for my kids to make friends, learn the language and socialize. I see home as a place to foster deeper learning, and to pursue the things they are curious about. I am the main educator of their lives, not their teacher. And I follow Rousseau's educational theory, which is to have early childhood learning be mostly physical discovery, and as they get older their learning should follow their own interests, with an emphasis on trial and error as well as useful skills.
We will see how this philosophy plays out as they get older and grow into more complex creatures. The idea behind radical unschooling and attachment parenting is that giving the kids a foundation of love and respect at an early age helps to set up your connection with them and their security so that they trust that you are a person who has reasonable expectations and has their best interests at heart.
I have seen this play out with Isa as she grows older, although of course it's never 100% because we are always still growing and improving. If I explain to her why I am telling her to do something, and it is reasonable, she will usually comply unless she has other issues (like she's too hungry or tired) -- which is basically the way it works in a relationship with mutual respect and love, something we want to model.
I rarely have to yell loudly at my kids (I only do this if they are hurting each other). Rousseau said that the worst punishment should be the parents' disappointment, which can simply be expressed with a face. I have seen that since I so rarely abuse my power with them to get them to obey me, they are very responsive to my disappointment, almost always crying out of remorse if I ever get upset with something they do. I don't take this position of authority lightly. I know they are reliant upon me for both care and approval, so if I exercise restraint in using disapproval, it becomes quite a powerful tool. Of course, after I disapprove I make sure to tell them I know that [insert behavior] doesn't represent them and they had a momentary lapse of judgment.
This is where I stand at the moment, and it's working well for our family on most days. Breaking free from the way any person or society tells me is the 'right' way to parent is really liberating. Finding what works for us and doing it, despite the judgment of others, has been quite a journey, but I would never choose another path. My hope is that we can make a generation of kids who are secure, who can then keep the cycle of positive parenting (and relationships) going.
Since today is mother's day, I thought it would be a good day to talk about the way I do parenting.
I am lucky that through a mix of being exposed to certain people and ideas even before becoming a parent, I was able to learn about subjects that greatly improved my parenting.
Two books I read before becoming a parent were Wandering God by Berman (about nomadic tribes) and The Art of Loving by Fromm (a psychoanalytic take on love). Neither of these were explicitly about parenting, but I learned in them the importance of the maternal role in setting up deep attachments that provide a secure base for children.
For instance, Berman showed how prolonged breastfeeding (beyond 3 years) was common for most of human history until people became sedentary with agriculture and had kids closer together, which lead to earlier weaning. Berman argued that this connection to the mother made for a different kind of consciousness, one that felt that the world is generally a secure place. He talked a lot about how modern children use transitional objects (like a teddy) to help ease the pain of early weaning, night time/sleep separation, and lack of overall touch.
Nomadic babies don't use transitional objects, but instead the child is physically near the mom (usually in a baby carrier worn on the mother's body) and uses nursing as a way to connect and calm themselves. This importance of physical connection was echoed in Fromm's book from a psychoanalytic perspective, and then a few years later I read Jared Diamond's book The World Until Yesterday about nomadic tribes and this finding was repeated again and in this article. At this point, I was already convinced theoretically about the importance of holding/wearing the baby, co-sleeping, and breastfeeding until the baby chose to wean (little did I know what that would entail).
Before having Isa I went to La Leche meetings and met some other breastfeeding mothers, and joined facebook groups for breastfeeding help. I had my support network for information, so when I had pain initially, I found out that was common and pushed through. When I had mastitis, I figured out how to treat it. When I was trying to figure out co-sleeping and nursing, I could get tips and tricks to get good sleep and not roll onto the baby.
I always thought I would continue nursing until the baby chose to stop, and I realized that if there are no other issues that means the kid would wean somewhere between 3 and 6. Yikes. Since most of my experience has been seeing mothers only nurse babies under one year, this came as a shock to me, and of course I have felt the judgment of others with my prolonged nursing. But, I remind myself, most of our parenting practices date back only 100 years or so (cribs, formula), and at the most they date back 12,000 years to the agricultural revolution. Our babies bodies are meant to be held, nursed, and this is one of the most important traits to set them up for psychological health. This is what the evidence I read said, and this is what I believe to be true, so I persist, even when it's not so easy and I'd rather just give my kid some cow's milk and have my body back and I'd rather not have to endure those sideways glances when someone sees my 2 year old asking to nurse.
The other information I came across early on (thanks to a fellow grad student friend, Emily) was something called radical unschooling. For me, it is more a stance on child rearing than schooling per se. The idea is that you want to model curiosity, and show your children how to follow their passions in an unstructured way, as opposed to rote memorization and learning to 'behave' in a classroom (read: sit still and be quiet). The upshot of this is to see your child as autonomous, and having of desires that deserve to be respected, while keeping in mind the limitations of anyone's desires.
Here's an example. The kids are in a crazy mood and they start climbing on top of the car. I see the roof is denting in a bit, and I want to yell at them to just get off the car completely, but instead I see what they're doing is just having fun and learning how to climb and use their bodies. This is a good thing to foster. So, I show them how the roof is denting and ask them to climb in a way that does not do damage to the car. I am not looking for them to obey me because I do not make up rules that are arbitrary. I am asking them to respect boundaries that they will experience in their real lives. Parents' rules are often so out of touch with the real boundaries people experience. I try to make sure that I am telling them to do something that has a good reason, and one they will likely encounter in their lives. I ask myself, often: can I say yes to their request? What is at the heart of what they are asking? How I can I foster that in a way that makes me comfortable and feel respected myself?
I see school as a place for my kids to make friends, learn the language and socialize. I see home as a place to foster deeper learning, and to pursue the things they are curious about. I am the main educator of their lives, not their teacher. And I follow Rousseau's educational theory, which is to have early childhood learning be mostly physical discovery, and as they get older their learning should follow their own interests, with an emphasis on trial and error as well as useful skills.
We will see how this philosophy plays out as they get older and grow into more complex creatures. The idea behind radical unschooling and attachment parenting is that giving the kids a foundation of love and respect at an early age helps to set up your connection with them and their security so that they trust that you are a person who has reasonable expectations and has their best interests at heart.
I have seen this play out with Isa as she grows older, although of course it's never 100% because we are always still growing and improving. If I explain to her why I am telling her to do something, and it is reasonable, she will usually comply unless she has other issues (like she's too hungry or tired) -- which is basically the way it works in a relationship with mutual respect and love, something we want to model.
I rarely have to yell loudly at my kids (I only do this if they are hurting each other). Rousseau said that the worst punishment should be the parents' disappointment, which can simply be expressed with a face. I have seen that since I so rarely abuse my power with them to get them to obey me, they are very responsive to my disappointment, almost always crying out of remorse if I ever get upset with something they do. I don't take this position of authority lightly. I know they are reliant upon me for both care and approval, so if I exercise restraint in using disapproval, it becomes quite a powerful tool. Of course, after I disapprove I make sure to tell them I know that [insert behavior] doesn't represent them and they had a momentary lapse of judgment.
This is where I stand at the moment, and it's working well for our family on most days. Breaking free from the way any person or society tells me is the 'right' way to parent is really liberating. Finding what works for us and doing it, despite the judgment of others, has been quite a journey, but I would never choose another path. My hope is that we can make a generation of kids who are secure, who can then keep the cycle of positive parenting (and relationships) going.
