Thursday, August 12, 2010

the wheel of fortune

For a whole host of intimate reasons that don't belong on this public blog, I have left trucking and am now back home in Chicago and again grappling with all the most important questions in life (it seems this grappling never ends).

What kind of life do I want to lead? Who am I? Who do I want to be?

First, there is always the shock of transitioning to a new kind of life, and this one was particularly shocking. So, I took some time to recover from the deep wounds and kind of allowed myself to flow in the tide of Chicago summer. I was ruled by moments of sunlight splashing my face and cool breezes on evening bike rides. Now, as the heat peaks, the whisper of summer's end is blowing gently through the moist treetops and reminding me to face reality.

Now what is reality, exactly? Is it any job at any cost? Is it just making money or finding something official to do with my time? I think it is more like learning to care for oneself fully. Practicing the art of being in the world. Managing the balance of your own expectations, beliefs, desires.

I am in the process of opening my mind to something new and learning - through trial and error - where exactly I belong. So, I attempted to get an office job through a temp agency to try out this world that so many of my peers are immersed in. I mean, they all seem to stick with their jobs, so it can't be that bad, right? Wrong. The moment I found myself under the sterile glow of fluorescent bulbs and shivering from the endlessly wasteful icy air conditioning, I knew I could not subject myself to this fishbowl of terror. The more I listened to my co-workers, the more I read between the tortured lines:

How are you today, honey?

Well, I'm getting better now that it's close to 5!

Heh, yep, I hear you girl.

I cannot count the number of times I heard, in just one week, a variation on this theme. Then why stay? Why are you doing this to yourself? Never subject yourself to consistent unhappiness if there is any other way. Break free. Take risks. Life is nothing more than an endless challenge to grow or die. Never choose death. Choose life.

So, I told them a horrible excuse, and then I quit. And the wheel of fortune spins on and on.

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